


What Do You Believe In

by mak2020



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:40:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27571696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mak2020/pseuds/mak2020
Summary: Some thoughts Dean might have had on the drive back to the bunker after meeting Amara in Pennsylvania. (S15 E15)
Kudos: 1





	What Do You Believe In

Dean didn't believe in much after his mother died. 

Dean had believed in his father. He truly saw John as a hero, taking the "saving people, hunting things" philosophy to heart. It was his mantra for living through all the hard times he and his family lived through. If they saved more people than they hurt, it was a win. Until John showed him how little he took Dean or that philosophy into condsideration when he whispered his final words in Dean's ears.

Dean had believed in Sam. He waited until Sam was an adult so that they could be partners. Equal partners, saving people, hunting things. "You and me against the world, Sam!" Until Sam decided he was better than his family and wanting something different meant leaving his family behind.

Dean had believed in family. "Family don't end in blood," and "Family doesn't start with blood." But it was revealed to him, slowly and painfully over his lifetime that his family never chose family like he did. His family always chose themselves. Dean never asked them to choose him over the world. Dean was always first in line to sacrifice himself. But, sometimes, he would have liked them to offer to choose him first.

Dean had believed in Free Will. Any and all consequences, for better or worse, were because of choices one made. Bad things happened to good people because of circumstance. Then Chuck confessed that Free Will was only an illusion for his "characters." This really hit Dean hard, more than he was really willing to admit. His suffering and failures were entertainment for a cosmic being. Every time Dean thought he was being good, or selfless, or helpful, it was a lie. It was never his choice. 

Finally, Dean had believed in his mother. He realized she was probably a lot different than his memories as a four year old. Losing Mary at such a young age had allowed Dean to imagine Mary putting him and Sam first, before John, before hunting, before herself. Because she was his Mom. Moms do that. The Djinn had shown him a version of life if he had grown up "normal." Dean wasn't a very likable or lovable person in that world, but he believed that was due to his own choices and actions. Even if Heaven and Hell played their games, Dean truly believed that if he and Sam had grown up with Mary alive, they might not be as close as they are, but they would not have been so broken.

Amara wanted to teach him a lesson? Which would be what? He can never have what he truly craves? All he wanted was for someone, his family, to at least once, choose him and put him first. Resurrecting Mary as a real person who had to deal with the loss of her entire family and forcing her to accept men older than her as her baby sons? Who wouldn't be traumatized in that situation? Then showing Dean, "See, even if she had lived, she wouldn't have chosen you." That was supposed to set him free? To let go of all his anger and the frustration of his entire life?

Yeah, that really was what Dean needed most. The shattering of his very last belief.

Cosmic DICKS, all of them!

**Author's Note:**

> My first fanfic. Please let me know what you think.


End file.
